
Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/12725286.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Graphic_Depictions_Of_Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
  Category:
      M/M
  Fandom:
      X_-エックス-_|_X/1999
  Relationship:
      Monou_Fuuma/Shirou_Kamui, Implied_Kamui/Subaru
  Character:
      Shirou_Kamui, Monou_Fuuma, Sumeragi_Subaru
  Additional Tags:
      Mentions_of_incest, It's_kind_of_graphic_please_don't_read_if_these
      subjects_upset_you?
  Stats:
      Published: 2017-11-14 Words: 5892
****** Voice of no Return ******
by kamuishirou
Summary
     Please read the notes before reading this story.
Notes
     This story contains abuse which includes rape between two minors. I
     in no way shape or form condone this shit IRL, obviously. This story
     is part of a character’s backstory and provides graphic (?) details.
     Would not suggest reading if it is not your cup of tea. You have been
     warned.
     Also, I don’t own any of the characters in here, that should be
     obvious enough. X/1999 and its characters belong to CLAMP.
     The pairing is Fuuma/Kamui, with mentions of Subaru/Kamui and also
     mentions of incest. This is based off an AU, and Kamui has several
     mental illnesses which includes disorganized schizophrenia.
     Hasn't really been...beta'd? I'll edit it when my boyfriend finally
     checks it over LMAO I'm also too embarrassed to post this onto my
     main.
See the end of the work for more notes
Over in the lion’s den where the room was thick with the smell of Sakura, they
cuddled closely together on the couch. Open space stretching from the living
room, passing through the dining room and into the kitchen; Sakurazuka-san
surprisingly had good taste in decorative living. It could not be said the same
for his personality, and for his son.
 
The TV blaring over out and in between the two boys on the couch, the
reflections of the film shown in their eyes, Kamui’s especially. Time seemingly
did not exist here, with the youngest boy losing track of it and also his
curfew. When the credits rolled down the screen, it was only then Kamui had
realized it was getting late. Subaru was home alone. Father had left for a
business trip elsewhere, and Kamui absent mindedly forgot his phone on the
kitchen table back at home. Subaru would worry if Kamui was late, and it wasn’t
good for his anxiety either. Not to mention the clock was striking fairly
quickly towards Kamui’s dosage. He hadn’t been exactly consistent with taking
his medication since meeting Fuuma (though that wasn’t his fault, Fuuma was
holding them hostage for quite some time now).
 
Kamui snuggled up more  towards Fuuma, who embraced the act. It was a fairly
quiet evening and time well spent together. Weeks prior had been rough, as the
older of the two could not handle his jealousy. Saturday, tonight, was a nice
change of pace from all of that. And the two silently agreed to themselves that
things were better this way. Or well, at least for Kamui. His affectionate
gestures were a means to say he had a good time, and to also say goodbye for
the evening. Hopefully Fuuma wouldn’t have a problem with it. For some reason,
he always hated goodbyes.  
 
“Monou-san, I...should get going. It’s late.”
 
The honest sentence surprised Fuuma, which shouldn’t have been surprising at
all. His curious expression made Kamui shy.  “You can’t stay longer?”
 
“Subaru and papa will worry.”
 
Subaru.
 
The name, that word,  his name .  The name Fuuma hated without a single doubt.
Any mere mention of it could drive the eldest  over the edge, and into a
seemingly endless amount of rage.
 
He tried  to hide his disdain, his jealousy, “What do they have to be worried
about?”
 
Really, why?
 
Fuuma wasn’t sure if he wanted Kamui to go home so soon.

Make him stay.
 
“I’m supposed to be home by a certain time, Monou-san. You know this already.”
He rose from his seat, his eyes glancing over towards the digital clock on the
TV stand. He sighed, “And...it’s almost time for my meds. You know that too…”
 
Kamui had only gotten back his medication recently. Things were slowing down
between them, and Kamui became much more complacent-- no, he grew to be much
more distant. Fuuma wouldn’t lie to himself about that at least. Subaru and
Kamui were always close, they were brothers. But it was odd. Odd because
whenever Kamui spoke of his older brother, there was this ray of sunshine that
made Fuuma  sick . The way Kamui’s lips curved into a tender smile, the way his
violet eyes flickered and looked lost in a sea of thoughts. Thoughts of his
brother, the love he felt for Subaru, and not for Fuuma himself. Fuuma knew
long before that Kamui was in love with his brother. It was impossible to deny
that truth. And he loathed every single piece of it.
 
Fuuma should have been the only one to make Kamui happy. After all, they were
together, weren’t they? Kamui should have been always looking at Fuuma, not
Subaru. Never Subaru. Not once. Not ever. Never.
 
This spike of a jealous flavor in his voice, “You don’t want to make ‘nii-san’
worried?”. Merely a hint of it, but Kamui was never good at catching onto
social cues. This  was also another trait of Kamui’s that caused Fuuma much
annoyance; he could never really tell how Fuuma   truly  felt, even when they
touched each other. The kisses, the warm embraces, Kamui  adored  it all. He
just needed someone to look at him, to give him the attention and the love.
Fuuma knew he’d be the perfect one to do it. To make Kamui his, and he was so
close. Oh so very close.
 
But not once did Kamui ever truly look at Fuuma. He was always looking at
Subaru.
 
“He...worries a lot.”

 Again, that soft expression, this borderline sunshine. Glowing eyes.
 
Fuuma hated it.
 
“I don’t want to bother him.”
 
The Sakura’s aroma suddenly went thin. Kamui’s frail yet tender skin almost
felt dry. This aching feeling  developed within his stomach as the clock
changed numbers. Despite there being no clock other than the digital one, he
could hear the hands of some other clockwork in between the distance. The tick
and the tock drew his eyes back onto Fuuma, his gaze enveloping the boy. Kamui
had hoped Fuuma would understand.
 
“...Maybe he should be.”
 
Kamui could only answer back  with a bewildered face.
 
“What if something happened to you…?” Fuuma had touched Kamui’s arm, his face
becoming alluringly dark, and the boy never moved from his standing position.
 
Kamui became slightly defensive, “He’d be upset…!!”  Of course he would be!
 
“It would hurt him?” Nearly tasteless in tone, but Fuuma wanted to know.
 
“Of course…”  Don’t you understand?  It almost offended Kamui. “He’s my nii-
san! He and papa take care of me, they always have, but...but nii-san. He was
there since the beginning. He was always there, looking after me and...always
worrying.”
 
Not a drip or a drop of his voice, nor any other sound, Fuuma rose from the
couch. Swiftly grabbing onto Kamui’s arm, he twisted the boy around to truly
look at him. His eyes were a color that Kamui couldn’t tell, a mysterious
emotion he couldn’t feel. But to begin with, Kamui already had difficulties
comprehending other people’s emotions, especially that of Fuuma’s.
 
“ I’m  here for you. Isn’t that enough…?”
 
“M-Monou-san…?”
 
“Why do you always think of him…?”
 
A deep green, a sparkling green; Fuuma’s eyes flickered with emerald, his
jealousy deeping with his grasp on Kamui. The boy was thrown into a loss of
confusion, his surroundings going mute and the clock stopped ticking.
 
“B-But, Subaru…”  He' my brother? I can’t stay, Fuuma---
 
“Even when you’re with me….”  You’re always thinking of him, even when we kiss.
When we touch. When I do things to you, even tonight? You were thinking of him.
You were always were. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop, stop, stop, stop, st----
 
“You’re Monou-san. Subaru is Subaru. Subaru is nii-san. I...like you both.”
Shouldn’t that have been obvious? “He raised me. He…” Kamui began to pout, the
childish one Fuuma couldn’t help but to cherish from time to time. “He loves
me.”
 
Sharp words flung at Fuuma, eating away at his heart. Stabbing it repeatedly
until he could feel himself burning from within. An old wandering flame he used
to be able to contain before.
 
“And I love him too.”
 
A large sound of a smack bounced off  the walls, with the youngest fell towards
the ground. Kamui had no idea what he was saying, so assumed Fuuma. It was a
correct assumption. He had no idea he was in love with his brother, but Fuuma
knew. Fuuma always knew. With the love and adoration in his voice, and how
confident his feelings were presented-- Fuuma  despised  it.
 
Picking himself back up onto his knees, Kamui’s delicate fingers touched the
red spot on his cheek. His frail skin bruised so easily. His eyes grew wide
with shock as he looked up at Fuuma, who was looming over him like a shadow in
the darkness.
 
“Monou-san…?”
 
“You should..only love me.”
 
Kamui’s heart skipped a beat. He had to go home. It was time to leave, before
the fear devoured him. Before Fuuma would hurt him again.
 
“I...I have to go home.”
 
As he tried to get up, the lion wouldn’t allow his prey to leave. His large
hands, those claws, suddenly grabbed onto one of Kamui’s legs, quickly knocking
the boy over and hitting the floor once more. On his back, Fuuma dragged him
further along the carpet as the other tried to break free from lion’s grasp.  
 
“F-Fuuma,  stop. Please. ” Kamui pleaded. He honest to God had no idea as to
what Fuuma was going to do to him and his body.
 
Fuuma, his heart raged like a lion, roaring with anger and seething jealousy,
“You don’t have to go home. You can stay here!” He pinned Kamui’s wrists into
the carpet.
 
“I can’t!”
 
“Because  Subaru  will be worried?”

 Fuck him. Fuck Subaru.
 
He couldn’t help but to smirk. Quietly and with such sleekness, Fuuma loomed
over Kamui. Pinning his hands into the ground, Fuuma’s expressions were made to
be clear. But would Kamui understand now…? Hurt and afraid, yet Kamui still
couldn’t grasp his situation. All he knew was that he had to go home. He had
to. Subaru was there, waiting for him. Subaru would worry and Kamui feared
nothing more than upsetting his brother.
 
“N-Nii-san….will...stress over it.”
 
I don’t care.
 
“Nii-san has…anxiety issues.”
 
He’s pathetic.
 
“P-Please….let me go…!!!”
 
“No.”
 
“It will be bad for him, Fuuma!!”
 
“You sure do think of him a lot.”
 
“H-He’s my nii-san!!”
 
Kamui began to squirm.
 
“Seems like you do more than me….Tell me, is he more important to you?”
 
Conflicted and torn. Confused, afraid, hurt--
 
“He protected me! He...took care of me when mama stopped paying attention to
me. She gave us up, and he helped me get used to papa.”
 
Please stop.
 
“All I had was him… Fuuma….I have to go. I don’t wanna be a bother. Please?”
 
Arousing in these facts shared between Subaru and Kamui, Fuuma dwelled in
wonder. Kamui’s honesty was endearing, he didn’t have to explain himself, but
the boy could be such a mouthful at times. Kamui was...special.
 
“...Kamui. Wouldn’t it be terrible, if you made your brother worried…? He’ll
get really anxious if you’re not home soon…?”
 
“He has anxiety problems…!!! And he gets sad a lot!! Nii-san is tough but...but
I see it!! We’re brothers, we’re supposed to know…. He’s home...alone.”
 
Fuuma drowning in his curiosity, raised a brow. How could someone care so much
for another…? Fuuma cared for Kamui, he  wanted  him. In every sense of the
word, and yet he could not comprehend this love Kamui felt for Subaru. All it
did was make him more and more angry.
 
“Papa...went to work n’ I forgot my phone. Fuuma...he...I need to go home, n’
m-my meds...I-I need them…”
 
The lion licked his lips, twisting into a devious, predatory smile. A slight
chuckle escaped his breath, “I think it would be funny...to make him worry.”
 
As his violet eyes sparked and grew wide, Kamui began to violently thrash
around. His heart pulsating throughout his body, thoughts jumbled in agony-- he
couldn’t escape.
 
“Let go!! It’s not funny!!”
 
“Think of all...the things that’ll run through his head.” It almost made Fuuma
laugh. Even if Kamui was his only audience member in the room, the predator was
only speaking to himself. How easy it’d be, to ruin Subaru. Ruin him at the
expense of ruining Kamui himself.
 
“See, but I don’t care about Subaru at all.”
 
My silly, little dearly Kamui. Don’t you understand…?
 
“I hate him.”
 
So much.
 
“He makes me angry.”
 
I want him gone.
 
Fuuma could see Subaru. That annoying high school student. The irritating
quietness that he brought with him. The uncertain eyes he wore whenever Fuuma
graced that fucker with his presence. The face Fuuma wore was only meant for
Subaru, but he was not there. Only Kamui, his only witness.
 
Voice trembling and cracking from the bottom up, the boy’s body began to
tremble. “Fuuma...Fuuma...I...I want to leave. You’re scaring me. M’scared---”
 
Fuuma’s grip tightened. “You’re not leaving.”
 
Passionate eyes, he devilishly smirked, “We’re gonna stay here...and make
Subaru worry.”
 
Kamui’s heart sank, as Fuuma continued to smirk. The TV’s sounds fell silent as
the room was filled with Kamui’s pleas for help. Time had suddenly come to a
halt.
 
“--Noo!!”
 
“Let me go!”
 
“I don’t wanna stay…!!”
 
He knew he was much more powerful than Kamui. Fuuma was rather tall for his
age, and had a better build compared to the young and fragile boy beneath him.
There was no real reason to listen to Kamui, who was being disobedient. Those
who don’t listen must be punished. Kamui would be taught a lesson and pay the
price, as Subaru would also suffer  because of it.
 
Fuuma let Kamui free for only a brief moment, aggressively grabbing his
comfortable shirt and ripping it apart. The sudden movement alarmed Kamui even
more, sending him deeper into a state of confusion and panic. Thrashing and
flailing, he somehow managed to get back on his stomach. As he made  an attempt
to crawl away, the only other thing he could manage to do was to yell out for
help. Sakurazuka-san was home, wasn’t he? Kamui vaguely remembered the man
heading upstairs into his office area. He didn’t recall him ever leaving the
house since they first got there in the afternoon..
 
“S-Sakurazuka-san…!!!”  Kamui’s voice has gone brittle.
 
Sakurazuka-san was a mysterious and well collected man. Handsomely in his
thirties, he stood tall much like his son and maintained a cool aura around
him. There wasn’t much to know about him, or rather, much he’d prefer not to
share. Years before, Kamui had ran into him briefly as a child. The man
accompanied Kanoe, his mother, on one of her visitation hours.
 
Scary.
 
Kamui recalls the feeling of a dark shadow looming over him. A feeling of fear
and uncertainty when encountering Sakurazuka-san for the second time since the
first meeting. It had been so long, and too much had happened to the point
where Kamui forgot most things, including Seishirou Sakurazuka.
 
The man leisurely made his way across the silent hallway upstairs. He knew
Fuuma had that boy over again, and he didn’t quite understand what his son saw
in that boy. Though he also knew he couldn’t talk, there was something about
Kanoe that Seishirou liked. So much that he continued to see her (maybe, humor
her?) weekly, monthly, whenever they both pleased. Kamui was easy on the eyes,
just like Kanoe. Kid had to be good for something.
 
“Sakurazuka-san…!! Please!”
 
Seishirou heard the second cry. He raised his brow and stayed in place,
listening in on the voices heard below. Fuuma was an aggressive child,
Seishirou was also aware of this. Quiet, calm, friendly, seemingly normal-- the
teen had a temper that only Kamui knew the best. His father never experienced
personally (God help Fuuma if he did), but he nurtured what Fuuma turned into
today; tonight especially.
 
“Did you finally snap…?” The man hummed, with a faint smile written across his
lips. It was only a matter of time after all. Seishirou paid no mind, and
continued to walk back into his office.
 
“---Fuuma!!!”  He had decided earlier on to sit on Kamui’s legs, preventing any
chance of the boy escaping. It was clear that his father wasn’t going to save
this kid.
 
Thin, feeble,  fragile . Fuuma took pleasure in watching Kamui struggle, but at
this point half the teen’s mind was lost in a haze. Thoughts of Kamui loving
Subaru, more than loving Fuuma himself---  Impossible,  he thought.  I won’t
allow it.
 
“I won’t allow it  at all. ”
 
Violet eyes still wide with horror, Kamui tried to crawl away once more as
Fuuma grabbed onto his waistband. Those rough fingers reaching for the front,
Kamui felt his stomach drop and mouth almost filling with bile.
 
“N-No…!!”
 
No!
 
He almost started to sob, “I don’t want to play..Fuuma!!!”
 
A cold thickness of breath, “Stop struggling.”
 
If there was anything annoying about Kamui, it’d be how loud he could get. Even
in the middle of the assault, the kid remained hellbent on yelling his ass off.
 
“Please!! Stop!!”
 
But he was also naive in thinking words alone could stop Fuuma from forcing
himself on him. Fueled by his anger and jealousy over  Niisan , Fuuma
successfully got into the boy’s pants, tugging them down roughly. Not a single
thought of care or consideration if it hurt Kamui. No, the point  was  to hurt
him. To break him, and wreck that heavenly face Kamui always thought of with
such love.
 
To hurt Subaru is to hurt Kamui, and he knew that Kamui would stay by his side
even after this. It wasn’t difficult to coerce the boy into doing adult things.
Kamui truly was a naive fool. His parents didn’t seem to teach him much of
anything.
 
You’re taking advantage of a young boy. You know he’s not well in the head,
Monou-sa---
 
“Shut up.”
 
Kamui choked on his tears, “Don’t---”
 
“... hurt me!!”
 
“It wouldn’t hurt if you stopped struggling.”
 
Hands balling into fists, the look of horror turned into a scene of anger.
 
“You’re a liar! Just like  Kanoe !”
 
Ignoring the insult, the lion crawled up over his prey’s body, but not before
finishing tugging down his pants. Kamui felt afraid, betrayed, exposed, in
every sense of the word. His favorite short torn, his pants and underwear
removed with no one to save him, no one to come to his rescue. The friend, his
friend, the one he trusted most was suddenly going to violate him. There was no
escape.
 
Fuuma brought his lips all across Kamui’s back, taking in his essence. This boy
was almost completely untouched, besides the few times they touched each other.
Fuuma was never interested in other people, until he had met Kamui. It was
reassuring, lovely,  erotic  to know he’d be the boy’s first at everything.
Believe it or not, Fuuma had no experience himself; something special to be
shared between the two males. Kamui obviously disagreed.
 
His rough lips kissing the boy’s dark hair, his lips curved into another
predatory smile, still fully clothed. Kamui never stopped trembling, his skin
going cold from the hard floor. Fuuma attempted to cover his mouth, and in
retaliation, Kamui sipped his teeth deeply into the teen’s fingers. Not showing
any physical reaction to it, Fuuma shoved a few of his fingers inside as a
means to silence his lover.
 
Gagging and sobbing, screaming into the wet fingers, Kamui continued to
violently thrash around. He even began  to try and bite his way out of his
situation. It made Fuuma even more irritable, yet he tried to retain his
collected nature. It already proved to be difficult.
 
“You’re not being a good boy…”
 
Why won’t you listen to me?
 
“I’m no liar, Kamui.”
 
These are my honest feelings.
 
“I care so much about you. I just want you to  look at me .”
 
So take them. Fucking take them.
 
It was obvious to him minutes earlier, that there’d be no getting anywhere with
Fuuma. Subaru being the source of fuel to his fire, the lion was relentless;
merciless. Kamui’s friend was gone. Long gone-- months ago. It was like he was
never there to begin with.
 
Deeper, Fuuma continued to push his three fingers inside Kamui’s small mouth.
Through his moment of fire, there was a brief thought of just how cute Kamui
was. His small petite and fragile figure was something that always appealed to
Fuuma, like that of a small animal. Small, and delicate. He knew he’d have no
issue breaking him in. Kamui always grew to be complacent if you knew the right
things to say.
 
...Or do.
 
Incorrect on his assumption, Kamui was still struggling. Face drenched from his
tears, the boy was still fighting him, biting his fingers. It was irritating.
Why now? All the other times they did anything, Kamui rarely put up a fight
besides asking a few questions. Though, this time was certainly different from
all the others. Neither of them went this far with sex.
 
“You’re really not listening, huh.”
 
Removing his slippery and red, slightly bloodied fingers, Fuuma gently ran his
fingers through Kamui’s hair. The boy’s eyes flickered with shock, from the
tender touch. But he knew it couldn’t be true.
 
“Fu--”
 
Fuuma pulled back on his hair without a single warning. Tugging it hard, he
made Kamui look him in the eyes. Kamui’s ends had turned into curls, the wet
ones from the tears splashed up against his untouched cheeks. Violet eyes
seethed with such pain and anger, enough that he decided to spit in Fuuma’s
face. Unbothered by this, the lion’s claws tugged even harder, causing Kamui to
yell out louder than before, but his glare still stayed strong.
 
“Why are you so angry…? That wasn’t very nice.”
 
Nearly hissing, “Fuck you, Fuuma!”
 
Don’t worry, I will.
 
“If you’d just relax, it wouldn’t hurt so much for you.”
 
“Shut up! I don’t want this! I never said I did! I-It hurts…!! Stop, stop it!!”
He started to thrash around once more, this time trying to headbutt Fuuma in
the face.
 
Lifting himself up and slightly away from Kamui, he dodged the attack. An
emotionless thin smirk, “That’s the point.”
 
I’ll break him.
 
“Imagine...if Subaru was thinking of this?”
 
The way some man he doesn’t even know, running his fingers up his little
brother’s shirt. Some man digging his hand down his brother’s pants in a
bathroom stall over at school, ditching class. All to get your medication back
from me. He can’t have you Kamui, no one can.
 
“Do you think he’s so worried, he’d be thinking of ways you could be hurt?
 
“He didn’t do anything to you…!!”
 
Yes he did.
 
“You don’t even know him, he doesn’t know you either! So fucking  stop!!! ”
 
He took your heart, Kamui.
 
“He’s not bad like you, Fuuma! I hate this, I hate you!”
 
You’re supposed to be mine.
 
It seemed like Kamui had an endless supply of energy, he started screaming
again. It didn’t bother Fuuma, as he smoothly grabbed Kamui’s face by the chin,
tilting it upwards. Their eyes locking once more, it silences Kamui. Those same
lucid eyes staring in another shock, but unsuppressed anger.
 
“Bad…? I’m only punishing you for looking at him.”
 
You don’t even realize.
 
“You shouldn’t be looking at anyone else. You belong to me.”
 
Just how much I love you.
 
“I’ll make you belong to me.”
 
The adrenaline rushing through Kamui’s veins as he could feel Fuuma undoing his
pants, attempting to press into him. Kamui tried to lash out, cutting some of
lion’s cheek with his nails, “I don’t belong to  anyone !! Don’t wanna be your
boyfriend..!! I don’t want this---  I don’t want YOU! ”
 
In his ears, Fuuma could have sworn he heard a faint crack somewhere.
 
“I...I wanna see Subaru…!”
 
Shattered glass.
 
“He’d never hurt me….!!!”
 
In one instant motion and roughly, Fuuma smashed Kamui’s face into the cold,
wooden floor. Grabbing the boy's thighs, he easily spread apart his legs.
Kamui, with his nose definitely fractured, hardly made any movements.
 
“Mm..hh..o-ow…” His head in a daze, the impact was too much. He could barely
think, only feeling the intense burn.  But the sudden feeling of Fuuma’s
arousal pressing in between his ass--
 
“F-Fuuma…!!” He abruptly called out, raising his head, “Don’t...D-Don’t..!!
Please!!” With his broken sobs, his weak legs tried to fight back, but Fuuma
easily brushed them off, making them stay apart. There were no more words to be
shared from Fuuma.
 
The blood loss ruined Kamui’s focus, but the desperation for help overwhelmed
anything else. “S-Sakurazuka...san…!!”
 
His call went unanswered once more, for Seishirou only stopped reading his
paper momentarily as he looked down at the floor. There was nothing more to be
said from him, either.
 
“H...He...lp…? Pl...P-Plea...se…”
 
To cease the persistence and could no longer wait, Fuuma finally pushed himself
inside Kamui. Trying to go in as deep as he could, the boy sharply hissed out
in pain, his sobs becoming more and more heavy. Thick with arousal, Kamui’s
tightness made Fuuma’s breath short and sharp;  He felt so good . And he
thought Kamui would finally shut up and take the sex.
 
His insides were tight (or maybe Fuuma was just too big for this poor kid), and
after all this time, it felt  so fucking good  to be inside him. All the close
calls, all of Kamui’s insecurities and uncertainty, they were finally joined
together. Something he’d have over Subaru. Being Kamui’s first, his one and
only. Subaru wouldn’t be able to steal that. Fuuma could feel himself smirk
with pleasure, both from being inside his precious, and knowing Subaru would
never own something like this. Kamui was his, his, his, his and only his.
 
Except that he wasn’t.
 
“Su...ba...ru…”
 
He never was.
 
“....?” Fuuma’s bliss was cut off short.
 
What the fuck?
 
“Make...it...feel nice…?”’
 
No, there’s no way----
 
There could be no way that Kamui started to imagine Subaru in Fuuma’s place.
There could be no possible way, but what Fuuma hadn’t realize is that Kamui had
a small realization himself throughout all of this. What Fuuma knew before
Kamui, Kamui himself had surely come to believe. It was no lie, but the truth.
Kamui had always loved his brother, Subaru. He was there for him since the
beginning, before and after Kanoe had abandoned him. Subaru was always Kamui’s
world, even with Yuuto came into their lives as their father, the former never
changed.
 
Kamui adored Subaru.
 
Kamui always wanted to be by his  side.
 
And realizing that all the things he had done with Fuuma, would have been much
more nicer if it was him and Subaru. Kamui knew him to be soft, tender, caring;
all these wonderful things he grew up with. Kamui knew that if was having sex
with Subaru, the older of the two would be careful, considerate,  slow .
 
Kamui was in love with Subaru, and it nearly destroyed him to realize such a
thing.
 
Even with this, Fuuma couldn’t win. He could do nothing but growl.
 
“Stop...saying his name…”
 
“ Subaru .”
 
Stop saying his fucking name!!
 
“I...I...lo…”
 
No! Don’t, Kamui. Kamui don’t---
 
Longingly, lovingly, somber.
 
“I love you.”
 
A confession not meant for Fuuma’s ears. It almost broke Fuuma apart, too.
 
“Look at me!!” Fuuma started to pound more into Kamui’s ass, his cock slamming
aggressively against Kamui’s cheeks. He’d choke from his tears that covered his
eyelashes thickly, some still running down his face. Kamui’s eyes had become
soft and glassy,clouded in a violet dream, he was almost gone in thought.
 
“Love me...not him?”
 
He knew Kamui stopped acknowledging him. He was feeling Subaru inside him, and
not Fuuma. His own voice becoming nearly childlike, he couldn’t fathom why
Kamui wouldn’t look at him. They were together, having sex. Kamui...he...he
wanted this, didn’t he?
 
Why won’t you look at me?
 
“I’ll make you feel whole. Don’t you want that…?”
 
Don’t you want me?
 
“I...I want Subaru…”
 
Fuuma could never replace Subaru. You could never replace a first love, never
be him, and he’d never be yours. Agitated and full of resentment, Fuuma
frustratedly thrust himself into Kamui, which caused him to cry even louder
once again. Burying his partially bloodied face into the floor, Kamui’s tears
wet the wood.
 
“I...want him…”  Like this.  “I-It...hurts…”
 
Knowing it was well past his time for the medication, and that Subaru was
probably worried by now, Kamui couldn’t forgive himself. Subaru’s anxiety
couldn’t be helped, thanks to their mother, but Kamui wouldn’t stop blaming
himself for it. Even if this situation was Fuuma’s fault, Kamui was always the
center of some type of trouble. His tantrums, his outbursts of emotion; whether
it be happiness or the opposite, he knew he caused his father and brother to
suffer for years. The money it cost for his meds, the psychiatric visits,
breaking shit, the list went on and on. Kamui had felt nothing but a hindrance,
and to only now realize he wanted his brother, in the way Fuuma wanted him-
- Kamui’s heart sank.
 
“Subaru...Subaru...Subaru...I’m...so...sorry….”  Please forgive me.
“...I...I’ll be...home soon...niisan…”
 
As Kamui softly cried, Fuuma shed his own tears out of frustration. The defeat
he had faced when listening to Kamui’s shattered whispers and confession. He
knew then that he could never win, but Fuuma would go so far to deny his
reality. The blood trickling down from Kamui’s thighs almost matched the pain
Fuuma had felt in his own heart, there was no way Kamui didn’t love him. With
all that was said and done between them, how could it not be true? Never mind
the fact that their relationship was dubious, and Fuuma had actually coerced a
young and naive freshman into it. No, he’d never admit it. Kamui came to him.
 
No, you did it.
 
Fuuma could feel Kamui bleeding on his arousal.
 
“Hurry up n’ cum...Fuuma. It..hurts.”
 
Kamui looked empty, just as much as Fuuma himself did.
 
“Y-You’ll...feel full, Kamui.”   Close, I’m so close.  “I love you…?”
 
Not once did Fuuma ever say he loved Kamui, not until this moment.
 
“So, look at me...Look at me, Kamui... Please ? I love you...I love you, Kamui.
Kamui. Kamui…”
 
It didn’t take much longer for his precious boy to pass out. It didn’t stop
Fuuma from continuing.
 
This is the only way...to really show that I love you?
 
“I want to be with you, so this is all I can do.”
 
Look at me.
 
Please.
 
Please love me.
 
Not much time had passed when Kamui became unconscious. Coming to, he still
felt Fuuma’s cock deep within him. Precum had mixed with blood, leaking from
Kamui’s wrecked body and his tears nearly all dried up. Fuuma’s rough fingers
then became laced into his hair. Pulling the boy up, Fuuma started rocking up
against his, cumming almost instantly. Hot breath and inaudible whispers
creeping into Kamui’s ears, they both shuddered when Fuuma had filled up his
insides. Not realizing his own arousal, the dangerous lion began to softly, if
almost ironically, stroke Kamui.
 
As disgusting as it was, as disgusting and vile in what it was; Kamui was
devoured by guilt. Several fragments of his mind could agree with the pleasure,
the desire  to be touched, but not by this...this thing. This  monster  of a
human being.
 
A slight arch of his body, Kamui moaned. He moaned for Subaru.
 
“Kamui.”  Fuuma’s last pleas for love, and maybe for forgiveness. He knew Kamui
would never forgive him, the lion was lost to denial.
 
“I love you.” These words were not meant for Fuuma.  
 
Kamui came silently into Fuuma’s hands, his body shuddering from the pain, the
pleasure, and the guilt which ate at his heart. Fuuma knew exactly who he was
thinking of, and Kamui truly realized now that he was in love with Subaru.
 
Fuuma couldn’t handle the rejection much more. If pushed to the edge, even
farther than this , Kamui would not have left the house with his life. He’d
felt the urge to crush any feelings that Kamui held for his brother, but
instead abruptly dropped his body back onto the ground. There was nothing more
to do, and no more words to share. The intimacy they shared felt empty, a
hopeless victory. Fuuma was lost in his world of desires, misery, and fantasy.

 Kamui was left with emptiness, despair and loathing. His heart was rotten with
rust and burning through happy memories, shredding them apart as if they never
happened. None of it had meant anything if he was being punished for having a
happy family. A recovering family, a family that loved him, and a brother that
he had come to fall in love with. He knew it was a terrible thing, but he
didn’t know he’d get punished for it.
 
Did he deserve it? Kamui started to believe so.
 
Fuuma eventually left Kamui to fend for himself. They had made a mess and
Fuuma, in his anger, half-expected Kamui clean it up on his own. Which Kamui
did not. Instead he had curled up for about a good half hour, with cries that
never came out, and screams that didn’t reach his lips. He lived in silence
until it was time to really go home. He didn’t know what he’d tell his family.

 It’d come down to not saying a word.
 
When he left, he cleaned up in a nearby public bathroom. Trying to erase the
evidence as much as he could, conceiving ideas as to what happened to his face,
why he can’t walk properly, and why he looks like he wants to kill himself.

 “ I forgot my meds, I’m miserable but I’m okay.”
 
Yeah, that’d be a good excuse.
 
Whatever he had decided on, they bought it. Concerned, but it sold. He’d erase
the evidence in the bath. Soaking away the memories that were absorbed into the
drain. It didn’t happen, it wouldn’t happen again. No matter how many tantrums
he’d throw, he wouldn’t go back to school. He wouldn’t leave the apartment,
he’d never want to see a single person other than his father and brother. No
one else. They weren’t worth it.
 
There was a monster at school, and he had killed what little there was left
that Kamui felt he had. He died, and he’s dead. He’s gone and he can’t look his
brother in the face anymore. He can’t answer his father’s questions about
Saturday night, and why he locks himself in their room, or why he hides in the
closet, or takes longer showers than usual. He can’t avoid Subaru’s soft,
worrying eyes and anxious voice. He can’t avoid texts and calls from Segawa-
kun, but he can shut his phone off or break it and say it was an accident. He
can drop out of school and become a shut in, a failure that failed to become a
decent member of society.
 
He can’t be normal. He was never made to be a normal, fully functional human
being. That was only a pipe dream; something fragile and completely foolish.
His mother was right to throw him away, he only held people back. He was a
wallet eater, a bad kid that was lost to the sky and the voices no one else
could hear but him. No one would ever love him, unless you were Fuuma. But
Kamui never asked for that, and now he knows he never did. The only person he’d
ever want like that would be Subaru. It was pure, he thought it was--- to be
held, to be loved and to be free without judgement and rejection.
 
Kamui felt it was tainted. He ruined it and felt as if he lost the only good
thing he had. There was nothing more he could do but to give his hand to
despair. He surrendered his heart to shame and depression.
 
His world had sank to the depths of Hell, and this time he really thinks
there’s no turning back.
End Notes
     The title isn't even official tbh. Anyway, hope you...enjoyed??
Please drop_by_the_archive_and_comment to let the author know if you enjoyed
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